Arrrggghhh

My struggle to feel less stressed has taken a nose dive with the return of my son. He came back on Wednesday and still hasn't put his luggage away. Hasn't finished unpacking. This lack of action in and of itself is not a big deal. It is, however, one of many small cuts that have happened every day since he has returned. And have happened everyday since I can't remember when. I have absolutely hit my limit with him. He is not a bad kid - he just is so clueless. He sleeps all fucking day. When I came home this afternoon I made him get off the couch and help me put some things away and do a couple of things around the yard. He behaves as if in a fog and I wonder if it is the medication or if its an utter lack of motivation on his part.

I am at a loss as to what to do to help him and to help myself. He angers me as no one else can. I am going to lose my fucking mind.

My daughter and I wanted to go see a movie tonight. He was gone to play basketball so I drove by where he plays and he wasn't there. I couldn't even let him know that we had left. Not that it would have mattered anyhow. We came back from the movie and I finally went out at five after ten to look for him. I found him wandering back to the house with the slimy fucking kid who he has already said gets him into trouble. I had tried to call three or four times while we were out but there was no answer so he had been gone somewhere for about three hours.

My son shows no common sense whatsoever. I worry that I will find him one day with a needle sticking out of his arm and no pulse because he does such stupid things. His emotions get the better of him and instead of being able to rebound from a setback he slides and even further down.

OK my rant is over. By the way we went to see March of the Penguins. Great show. Wonderful cinematography and sharp editing. Go see it if you think penguins are even a little cool.

I am grateful that I don't wig out like this every day. I think I would die from it.

I am going to rappel off a building in beautiful downtown Calgary on September 8th! I am including a link if you would like to sponsor me - the event is in support of Easter Seals which is a charity that helps children with physical disabilities.

If you would like to encourage me to drop off of a skyscraper please click here: Easter Seals Superhero

I am grateful that I am able bodied enough to attemtp this =)

I've been trying out internet dating for a few months now and what a crap shoot. I would estimate that a large majority of single men around my age (I'm 38) didn't pay attention when their parents were teaching them manners. I don't comprehend the whole dating thing at my age. I've never been so confused.

I don't want a man to tell me how wonderful he thinks I am and then never call again. If you think I'm so fucking wonderful then what is your problem picking up the phone? (I know, I've read 'He's Just Not That Into You'). Who asked you to lie? Say something innocuous then - don't frigging lie.

If I'm talking to you on IM - what the fuck is it with setting yourself to Away while we are haveing a conversation? I work with computers everyday and they don't just spontaneously set IM programs to away. Either you are away or you changed your status. If you don't want to talk to me just fucking so say asshole. You're the one who told me you were imaging kissing me for fuck sake.

Don't keep writing me emails saying how much you are looking forward to seeing me and then disappear. I'm not so self centerd to think that you're not seeing someone else (actually I think that one was married).

And finally don't set up a dinner date with me for a Friday night and then cancel on me late Thrudsay night. I'm so glad to be sitting at home alone on Friday again. It feels really wonderful.

I've always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt and not assume that someone was not honest. Now I am wondering if that is a less than wise appraoch.

I'm glad I'm not married to one of these assholes.

I've been quiet for a long time, haven't I? My son has been requiring a lot of my attention and then I had a melt down from all the stress. I am now working 1/2 time for a while and I am on an odyssey of trying to get myself some help, which seems like a full time job in itself. I went to see the doctor who has upped the amount of Effexor that I am taking and was very honest when he said that he wasn't going to be very helpful as far as resources for me.

My son seemed to be on a journey of self destruction which culminated in him leaving the house one morning at 1am - my daughter and I went out to look for him. When he spotted us he took off and didn't come home until 2:30. Needless to say that I was up all night thinking about what I could do with this child who wouldn't listen to me. I had raided his room a week or so earlier and found a number of things in there that shouldn't be there like beer, lighters, my drill (he was going to try and put a lock on his door so I couldn't get in) and the beginings of a grow-op in his closet. He says he was trying to grow some plants from the little helicopter seeds that come off of trees but I am not so sure. I also discovered that he was lifting the emblems off of cars and collecting them. Needless to say he was well and truly grounded when he left without permission. Told me he needed some fresh air.

I decided to put him into something called a stabiliation program that is run by a family services bureau here which has to have been one of the hardest things I've ever done. This is when I finally came unglued. I am very competent at getting my son help and I think it's a bit to my own detriment as no one in the last 4 years has ever asked me if I need help with this.

I have to commend my son because I think his behavior was causing him to worry about himself too. He was quite compliant with the program and while he didn't like being there he did seem to understand what my concerns were and why he was there. I really struggle with trying to figure out what is 'typical' 13 year old boy behavior and what is a result of his Bipolar Disorder and if the behaviors are exacerbated by the condition.

Just getting out of bed in the morning was becoming a huge effort and I broke down in tears a couple of times at work. My boss has been very understanding and I very grateful for it. My sanity has been quite tenuous lately and I need to take the time to care for myself. I've been walking my dog every day and feel a lot better for that. I want to keep at it until I start to replenish the reserves that have been utterly depleted by caring for my son. And through all of this turmoil my daughter who is a strong, wonderful kid has had to do without her mom to some extent because of this and I feel so bad about that.

I am thankful for my determination to make my life better.

I haven't written here in ages! My son has been driving me around the bend and it culminated in me searching his room on Friday nite. He's now grounded. For a good long time.

Found an assortment of decals from cars - nice. I've had that done to me and it doesn't feel very nice. I even bought new ones and never put them back on the car because I didn't want anyone to take them again - I was simply stunned that he had done that.

I also found a bottle of beer - don't really know what he was going to do with that - it was warm. Yuck.

Found a cigarette butt, found my drill (he was going to put a lock on the door) and the first attempt at a hydroponic operation in his closet. Found a lot of lighters and matches. Didn't find any of my money (he usually spends that too quickly) and didn't find any pot.

I have a daughter too and while she has an offensive attitude at home she is a good kid - makes good decisions and when she makes bad ones she tells me about it. What the hell have I done wrong with him? He lies to me all the time and stays home from school because he can't seem to drag his ass out of bed.

I am going to talk to someone about a residential program for him and I told him about it. I was trying to get this in place before the search mission. He said he would run away before he would go there and I told him wouldn't do very well on his own - he would run out of his medication pretty quickly and then he would really know what feeling crappy was.

He asked for another chance so that is what he'll get - one chance. Although I don't have very high expectations. I will write more later about the reasoning behind my wanting him to go to a program - I'm just too tired now.

I'm grateful that I had enough parenting skill to not choke the living shit out of him.

I've been beside myself for a long time about my son. He's been a nightmare to live with lately and I have been wondering if it's me that is the problem. He finally (after an 8 month wait) saw a psychiatrist last week. Reviewed his meds and evaluated my son for ADHD. Apparently there is a strong correlation between BP and ADHD. S (my son)has a number of behaviors that fit the diagnosis of ADHD, but with the hyperactivity part.

What a relief! That is the first time in months that I have felt some hope about being able to cope with him. He started on a stimulant today and while there were some kind of odd side-effects (jaw clenching, eyes kinda bugging out) I still feel hopeful. I called the pharmacist, who told me I was a third party and couldn't have that information (Me: "um, he's 13" Her: "Oh! well that's different") and that he shouldn't take the med again til I talk to the dr. S said that he could focus and felt like focusing. How cool that must have been for him.

Onto the whole love life thing: I've met a man who thinks I'm fabulous and I am starting to think the same about him. He is smart, absolutely gorgeous, sweet, kind. He is about 18 years older than I am too which isn't something that I thought I would ever do (date a much older man) but I don't feel like I am with an older man when I'm with him. It's odd how things like that happen isn't it?

I am grateful for spring time and the fresh smells.

And I am quite stunned. He's wonderful and treats me like a queen.

Details at 11

Holy crap was I ever pissed when I wrote that blog about Gingrich and my kids.

I am in a much better mood today - thank goodness. What an awful place to be.

The course I took in Toronto a couple of weeks ago... UPDATE... I passed my exam! Wahoo. Got an 82.43 - that has to be one of the weirdest marks I've ever had.

I got new glasses today which I am thinking are emo glasses because they look like my son's and his are emo. Black rectangular frames. Very simple. I like them - they make me look smart. Ish

Have been dating away which has been nice BUT I find that I am a bit over picky. What is that? Am I supposed to change how I look at people? Is that what this odd little feeling means? I mostly enjoy their company and then a couple of things kind of turn me off. How am I supposed to interpret that? Anyone?

I am grateful that my parents are still alive - I'm cooking dinner for them on Sunday as it is their 40th wedding anniversary

I get home from work not even 5 minutes ago - it's Friday and I've worked all week and I'm tired. Very tired. We are going out tonite to meet up with in-laws and my daughter asks me to give her friend a ride home. This girl lives about 5 blocks from our house. I say no and darling daughter gets fucking snotty with me!

Why can we not punch out our children when they get like this so they stop doing it? Don't you think that would be a deterent? I really cannot stand her attitutde that anytime I don't do what she wants she is allowed to let loose on me with nasty attitude and rotteness.

My son neglected to go to school again today. I'm really not the person I thought I was nor do I have the life I want. I want to run away from my children and concentrate on myself for a while. Screw them and their sense of entitlement to me and my time. Screw their arrogance and their wastefulness. I do not feel appreciated by my children in the least. They are nasty people. I hope they treat other people better than they treat me; they must or someone would have beat the crap out of them by now.

They suck

Ok onto to someone else who sucks. Newt Gingrich:

Canada let in 9/11 terrorists

I'm on a roll tonight - he's such an idiot! If you adore old Newt please take the time to read this article which illustrates quite clearly that the man was WRONG when he said that Canada let in more of the 9/11 terrorists than Mexico. Neither coutry had any of these sad excuses for human beings inside their borders. They all went directly to the US!!!! His vitriol makes me quite ill at the best of times but when starts making shit up, especially about my country and on such a sensitive subjec, it really pisses me off.

"Speaking Tuesday on the Fox News political show Hannity & Colmes, Gingrich said: "Far more of the 9/11 terrorists came across from Canada than from Mexico."" What a complete and utter fool - I am so sad for anyone who watches this type of programming in the hopes of getting a better understanding of world affairs. I would hate to be such a position.

I am grateful that I get a little pissed off now and then.

My son called me a player last night because I've had quite a few dates lately. The upside is I finally feel pretty again! Downside: I will have to eventually end some of this and I suck at that part. I've stayed in relationships because I didn't want to break someone's heart which is pathetic. I know. But I also don't know why I find it so hard to break up with someone.

Any advice?

I'm grateful that I it's warm and sunny and beautiful outside.

Mosh Girl

Some creative use of Photoshop here. OMG it's funny

I was in Toronto last week taking a course and wrote an exam on Friday - I am hopeful that I passed, although I have not outgrown my speedy test taking habit. I tried to go very s l o w l y but still finished an hour ahead of anyone else in the class. I don't why I'm like that - I'd actually forgotten how fast I am taking tests. It's like all the information is welled up inside me and I have to get it out as quickly as possible. But it sucks cause it makes me feel very insecure afterwards. "Why did I finish so fast? Did I totally screw up and that's why I'm done first?" I had to take a test for a job late last year and I was done first and had the highest mark. I'm doubtful there is any correlation between speed of test taking and results though because when I was busy flunking out of college I wrote those exams quickly too.

Didn't get a chance to see Toronto properly; no car, and while I had time to kill Friday afternoon I had no where to dump my luggage and no one to explore with. Maybe next time.

I'm grateful that I had a small date last nite. Went for a walk with a very nice man and I got to bring my dog! What could be better?

Being 38 and single is an adventure lately. Had a great date Friday night and went to a singles event at the zoo of all places on Saturday night and had a great time. I went with a friend that I used to work with a bazillion years ago. It was great time and I got a few numbers and gave mine out a couple of times. It was fun!

Of course I had to pay the piper for my fun. I came home at 12:30 or so and went to let the dog out and found a big mess in the back yard. My son and his friend had decided to try and make a fire in the backyard, using wood from a shelf that I had bought for the basement but hadn't put together yet. I couldn't fucking believe what I was seeing and wonder at how the boy has managed to live this long. Does it just not occur to 13 year old boys that a fire in the backyard is not a good idea? Especially beside the barbeque? Huh??!!??

I am in Toronto right now and it feels like 10 but is midnight here and I hate trying to sleep in a bed other than my own. I am taking a class for work and am nervous because I will have to take a test on Friday - the pass mark is something like 85% and I haven't taken an exam in a loooong time.

I am grateful that the company I work for has enough confidence in me to send me on this training.

In my continuing pursuit of 'getting a life' I went to a reading by Oliver Sacks who wrote the book Awakenings that the movie was based on. He was very entertaining with anecdotes from childhood in London and his love of chemistry. The reading was from his latest book "Uncle Tungsten" and he seems a little over the edge but I guess at 70 something with such an interesting life behind him that's allowed.

Not much else is new; I think I am anemic as a result of a month of anovulation and a freaking 10 day period. Not real happy bout that as taking iron supplements wreaks havoc with one's digestive system. Note to self: Eat more spinach. The anemia is making me terribly tired and apparently, untreated, can lead to heart failure! Who knew? So the doc said to take iron every second day and I learned from the pharmasist that if you take it with Vitamin C it makes the iron get absorbed more quickly by your body. Cool, huh?

The kids are doing well; my daughter is off in St Maartens and my son hung around the house this week (Easter Break). Took the dog to the vet yesterday and we will be engaging the services of a pet behaviorist - my damn dog needs a shrink. I think he needs ADHD medication as well. He's a little, um, over active.

I'm thankful that things are quiet. For now.

I'm not kidding. Apparently there are more single men than women in Calgary, but I'm not meeting any of them. What's up with that? So I need someone to go to a pub with me.

Any offers?

"It is wise to always err on the side of life"

So says George Bush. I wonder if he thought that while the Governor of Texas and put 152 people to death.

His rhetoric is so contrary to his actions, his record. Michael Schiavo is justified in his outrage. I am disgusted and disheartened by the Republicans who are trying to prolong the life of a woman who stated to her husband that she didn't want to live the way she is now and has been for 15 years. But I'm not suprised.

I feel badly for the whole family - it must be horrible for her parents and siblings to have their daughter and sister in such a state. It must be painful for her husband to have lost his wife already and to now have to mount such a struggle.

Regardless of the pain for the family the federal government is creating jurisdiction where it would seem there isn't any for the purposes of pandering to the religious right. Keeping a woman alive against her stated wishes is not moral.

I am thankful that it is officially spring. And that the days are longer than the nights.

...a Microsoft product even though I thought it was when it popped up on my screen this morning. Installed it and it ran a scan which told me that I had over 800 'bad' files. The dialog box said I had to register to remove said 'bad' files. This took me to a website and then the light bulb went on. This isn't a Microsoft product, it's just got a gui that looks like one. Fuckers

I removed it promptly - I use Firefox, Ad-Aware and Spybot. I don't need no stinking Error Guard.

If you've got, remove it. I've read numerous threads about how people ended up with more spyware after they installed it.

Now I'm pretty vigilant about pop-ups and I didn't recognize this as one, so be careful, please. There is no need for more people to get sucked in by these bastards. If you already have it and you're trying to contact them I found this phone number on one of the forums: 416 662 0700

Bull Guard forum


Mad Doktor forum


I'm glad that I have the chance to say something about nasty little programs like this. Spyware shouldn't steal the resources from our computers for their nefarious purposes.

I hate when people call and I'm watching Corrie. It's on at 7:30 and at least twice a week someone calls while it's on. :-( I've watched it for years and I'm obscenely obsessed with it. I don't watch any American soaps but for some reason this one has an odd hold over me.

I couldn't watch it while I was in the US - none of the channels I could get there carried it. But as soon as I got back to Canada I was right back into it.

Any other Coronation Street watchers out there?

I went to see Bride and Prejudice this weekend. What a fun movie to watch - all the colours and the songs and the lovely actors - there wasn't a single ugly one in it.

I'm thankful I have some friends here now. It's so nice to have someone to go to a movie with.

From Websters:
1. The state or fact of occupying the same relative position or area in space.
2. A sequence of events that although accidental seems to have been planned or arranged.

Since I've been back in Calgary I've met two people from A-Channel and the day after I spoke to someone they showed up on the A-Channel.

It's weird. I was working on a contract and one of the hosts from the morning show was getting his hair highlighted (foils) next door and we ended up beside each other in line at the soup place downstairs. I asked him how many channels he was getting with all that metal on his head.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to a lady about the Children's Wish Foundation and the next night she showed up on the weather.

Tonight I went to see Bride and Prejudice with a friend and we ran into a friend of hers who is married to the aforementioned weatherman. So we grabbed a coffee with them afterward. Weird how things like that happen isn't it?

I'm thankful that I have friends to go to the movies with. Just wish I had more of them! (But I am getting out more)

G'nite!

Sun, wind, rain and snow in the last two hours here. Wow - the weather sure is exciting in Calgary

I'm thankful that we aren't getting a foot of snow. Til Monday

... I take stupid blog quizzes:

You Belong in 1970

1970 If you scored... 1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in! 1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too. 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all! 1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day. 1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

You are 80% Scorpio

My damn period showed up 10 days early. My morning started with me in tears and thinking I would call in sick and quit my job and life sucks and I'm suck a big fat loser (who needs enemies when you have a voice like that in your head?).

Just after lunch I discovered the reason for my self-loathing. WTF? Auntie Flo has been visiting very erradically lately (and affecting my ability to spell) I hate how my hormones make me a psycho-woman. And I hate being so fucking tired.

I wanted to commit to 'paper' how well my son is doing since I grounded him. He got off that grounding (one month and I stuck to it) and he morphed back into a reasonable person. No more nastiness towards me. No more swearing. He's making an effort to get to school. It's brilliant! And I've been making an effort to let him know how impressed I am with his improvement. Fingers-crossed this will last a while.

I am thankful that I am going to bed early tonite. I'm pooped.

WIDTH="88" HEIGHT="130" ALT="Want to Get Sorted?"

I'm
a Gryffindor!

I went to a Cooking with Chocolate class today and it was so much fun! I made a mousse and other groups made a tart, cookies, merangiue (sp?) and something else but there was so much going on it was hard to keep track!

Here are some pics:

Cake:
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Tart and merangiue

http://www.tblog.com/user_ima...

Happy drooling

I'm thankful I went and did something! I've been very bored lately

My japanese name is 中村 Nakamura (center of the village) 和子 Kazuko (friendly child).
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